Arriving at the Ranch: Presence, Awareness, and “So What?”

I was excited to get out of my comfort zone, and glad to be doing it with Kelly, my dear pal since middle school. On the drive to the Ranch, I mentioned that my biggest trepidation was that I tend to look like a ballerina anytime I do anything. I was made fun of in junior high when I played basketball or volleyball. I have teeny little wrists and there’s a part of me that wondered if holding a gun would look very wrong. As an actor I drill things I’ve never done before over and over so that it looks seamless and natural. I was nervous about looking like a bird- boned toddler play acting a warrior. Gently, Kelly pointed out «you seem to be really concerned with how you look.» Oof. Good friend.

Once on the ranch, we were guided to the rec center where we spent the first half of the day. Country music beckoned us into a cavernous room appointed the way I expected: flags, crosses, antlers. Spartan yet welcoming. I spotted Alex at the front and made a beeline, hand extended. He took my hand and instead pulled me in for a bear hug. He introduced me to Samantha — his wife and co-founder of Sovereign Defense. I’d like to be Samantha when I grow up. Aware. Comfortable in her power. Sure of herself. Alex and Samantha taught the class in tandem, and I appreciated the female perspective and presence. Half of the 17 students there that day were women craving empowerment and the desire to walk through the world less afraid. How brilliant to have a woman showing us what that looks like.

In the first four hours of the day, we were taught about gun safety, personal responsibility, spacial awareness, and courage. Alex called me out on my extensive note taking, starting day-long ribbing of my good-student behavior, guiding me back to the present. This was one of the major lessons of the day. Presence. Of mind. Of body. Samantha led us in an exercise in using our senses, designed to bring us into the here and now that was shockingly similar to what I’ve been taught elsewhere in life: Good acting, meditation, yoga, all require relaxation, breath, and soft focus.

It’s hard to allow for spontaneity, creativity, and concentration when you stop breathing, when you clench up, when you try to force anything. Alex had a lot to say about the miracle of the body, and that our instincts are speaking to us constantly. Much of his job is to remind us that our bodies are smarter than we think. Samantha spoke about how women are often gaslit into believing they are overreacting, overthinking, coming off as hysterical. Samantha’s advice? So what? So what if you look momentarily silly? Isn’t looking briefly silly better than staying in a potentially dangerous situation?

I thought to my car ride with Kelly. I felt Samantha was calling me out. In a good way. In an «I need to work on this and grow» way. Even in the few weeks since taking the course at Sovereign, I’ve noticed myself silently saying «so what?» more and more in my day to day life. It’s empowering. And it’s fucking freeing...

On the Range: Fear, Laughter,
and Radical Respect

The second half of the day was spent on the range. Everybody got to shoot three rounds with semi-automatic pistols. Some had brought their own weapons; those who hadn’t had weapons provided. Though Alex was the lead, there were about eight other instructors, an even mix of men and women — hyper vigilant, creating and fostering an atmosphere of safety and control. I was paired with Lance, a bearded country boy, tall and strong — would absolutely intimidate me in a bar — but friendly, kind, and encouraging. The first time I shot — my first time ever shooting a gun — I burst into a fit of laughter. Lance gently took the gun away and allowed me my bizarre laughing fit, giggling alongside. Then guided me back into correct stance and form and even sweetly held my shaking hands. He didn’t take the bait when I hinted my shaking might be because I was standing beside him. Professional till the cows come home.

Whether or not anyone at Sovereign Defense had trepidation about this «big city actress» being in their class, no one showed it — though it did provide a touch of levity at one point when Samantha asked if there were any lefties in the group. Noticing that the entire class had craned their heads towards me, she clarified «left HANDED, people. Left HANDED.»

Am I glad I took this class? Hell yes. It broadened my experience and reinforced lessons I’ve learned elsewhere.

Everyone at the Freedom Ranch was kind, respectful, openhearted, joyful. I appreciated that they weren’t fostering an atmosphere of fear, but a sense of empowerment. I wasn’t surprised by the respect and courtesy with which I was treated. I was surprised by the amount of time spoken about love and radical self-honesty. Throughout the day, Alex reinforced: Be polite. See the best in people. Always have a plan...

At the end of the day I embraced him once again and explained that so much of what they’d taught during the day about presence and awareness was stuff I’d already learned as an artist and in spiritual practice. Alex lit up and spoke of the great Japanese warriors studying calligraphy to become better sportsman.